Friday, April 29, 2011

Poop > Periods

If you are in a relationship long enough you will do things you are not proud of. You will see movies you would never watch on your own. You will go see bands that make your ears shit themselves. You may even get swindled into making the one purchase that seems to rob all men of their self proclaimed manliness. The one thing that if your Dad caught you buying would make him hang his head lower than the time he caught you singing Prince songs in your undies in his bedroom. I'm not a wierdo. My parents were greedy and they kept the only computer with internet access in their bedroom as to put a stop to any web fueled Tom Foolery. Ha. Jokes on them. I tugged it many a time in a chair mere inches away from the bed on which I was created. But I digress. I'm not writing this to detail the cummings and goings of Patrick, age 14-17. I'm writing this to help my fellow man. No longer should you be embarrassed when your lady ask you to buy tampons.

Now before you start with the, "Oh Fuck that. I would never do that." Fuck you. You're a liar. If you are even taking the time to read this it is only because you have already dusted your figures, fed your cats, and gotten fed up with the raiding tactics of your online friends. You would and probably already have bought tampons. Why did you do it? Love? Maybe. If you're like me, you MIGHT do it because you are well aware that your lady is a thousand times more attractive than any girl you could probably get on your best nite out with your dude buddies. You MIGHT do it because buying tampons is no more embarrassing than the time she made you go see Hanson or Britney Spears. Both of those COULD be reasons. However, they are not. I am completely OK with buying tampons because I buy Toilet Paper.

But Patrick, everyone buys toilet paper. Yes. Yes they do. But are you aware that your selection in toilet paper is much more telling of who you are in that moment, than tampons are? Tampons do one thing. They keep blood from falling on the floor. As far as I know, they're are only 2 types. The type that looks like a marker that goes all up in the baby cavern, attacking the period at it's source and the other type that seems less effective and more flawed structurally. These are called pads. They come in a small bag, much like a single serving Cheez-It's package. You open it, unfold it, and just lay the cloth thingie in the panty region. This seems like a very rudimentary way of constructing any form of blood dam.

Now toilet paper. Holy god, where do I start? There's an assortment of plies, scented/unscented, wet or dry? What you buy not only represents the current state of your ring piece, but also serve as an estimation of how solid/drippy your bowel movements are going to be for the next week or so.

Below I have developed a list of the types of toilet paper one may choose to swab their holes with. To the right of the choice, the thoughts that are running through the acne ridden store associate as he rings up your purchase.

Regular - "This guy lives by himself."

Two ply - "This guy lives by himself but has a few rubles in the coin purse."

Scented - "This guy is an idiot. I should tell him how much this is going to irritate is anus. No. Wait. I'm going to sit this one out only to see if he comes back later to buy anti-itch ass cream."

Wet - "This guy has an irrational fear of skid stains."

Super Soft - "This guy has hemorrhoids." or, and more likely, "This guy loves anal."

Super Duper Ply - "This guy should make better life choices."

What does a clerk think to himself when a lady brings tampons to the register? Let's see.

Tampons - "This girl ain't pregnant. I could probably hit it. I heard girls are like, SUPER horny when they are on their periods. Get them Red Wings. Dragon Breath like a mother."

Those Pad things in a Cheez-it bag - "I wish Mom would would go to the other Wal-Mart."

So there you have it. Maybe now when your sweet lady asks you to pick her up some Cunt Corks you'll think twice before throwing some lame ass man tantrum.

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